Baby Bangs are Hawt

I think Chuck Bass was way hotter in Gossip Girl season 1, which I credit to this baby bangs.  Everyone says "ew, that is weird.  His new hair is much hotter and baby bangs are gross and ugly."

This is UNTRUE.  Even though Baby Bangs seem to be gross in theory, I seem to have a thing for them, as these days I have the hots for Cook from Skins.

Cook is a sexy son-of-a-gun.  Natalie and I reached the conclusion that I have a really fucked thing for womanizing, substance abusing brits with baby bangs.  Oops.

But, come on, they're both hotties, ammiright?

Really Cute Pic of Me

Ok, Leighton Meester (or as you may know her, Blair Waldorf) is totally transforming into me.  Her hair is lighter and less curly then last season, and now she has bangs.  She is more tanned, and she has chunked up a bit. If I got a nose job, was about 300x prettier and 80 lbs lighter, we would be IDENTICAL.

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.

Thankz gurl, I am flattered.

Realm of the Basses

After a long wait (a couple of weeks is torture, and I wouldn't even call it excruciating pleasure), Gossip Girl is FINALLY BACK, on the heels of one of the most epic episodes ever. Will this week live up to my expectations? We'll see.

So, like most grieving teenagers, Chuck tries to avoid his pain by hanging out in Opium dens in Thailand. What, Opium Dens in the english speaking world aren't good enough for you?  

 The Humphrey kids would believe that Rufus went to Boston in search of a painter...or...sculptor? Oh he's into mix media. Or she?  Of course!  That makes sense. Oh wait, no it doesn't.

Aren't those paintings in Rufus' studio currently hanging in Corydon Starbucks?

Is it just me or have the girls gotten worse? Asking a younger Jenny to pick up dresses is on thing, but making a peer lick ice cream off your shoe is another thing.

Furthermore, why do Blair (and to a lesser extent, Serena) always look perfect and chic but their lackeys look like mentally ill toddlers, dressing themselves for the first time?

Toss up for Funniest Lines of the night take place in the Headmistresses Office:

"Uncle Jack, what a surprise, how've you been?"
"Uh huh. So you don't remember our rickshaw ride down *some thai street* & our fifteen hour plane flight?"

"That was you?"

"I found Charles smoking marijunna on school property."
"It was hash, actually. I find it gives a softer high."
"Right. The evidence seems questionable."
HAHAHA. Perfect.

Furthermore, Uncle Jack is a sexy son of a bitch and a bad ass motha fuckah.
Rufus is upset about this Dan/Serena romance because they share a sibling?  Yet he wasn't upset his son and the daughter of his ex-gf are sexin'?  Come on, as if he hadn't been looking at Serena thinking "You could have been my daughter" this whole time.  A little late to be grossed out by the incest, Roofie.

Penelope tells headmistress Kweller She is being bullied? Eric says, "Wow, that is kind of genius." I have to disagree. It's idiotic, but that's what makes it so true and so fucking funny.

Chuck: "Now is that it? Or are you going to tell me you love me again?"
BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD!!!!!

But playing Soho Dolls again? Like that's the ~*Victrola Soundtrack*~. A+ for consistency. 

As if Dan would bring Serena back to his place. Is he begging for further embarassment from his angry ass dad? He's just going to look like a pussy when he gets the beats from his chubby daddy in front of his amazon GF. And of course, curious Dan so conveniently find his dad's bag on the chair RIGHT in front of him; and why would Rufus be so bothered as to maybe hide the map of Boston with all the orphanages highlighted?
Also, where the fuck do the Humphreys live? An Urban Outfitters catalogue?



"You're going to abandon him for a bunch of society matrons?"
"Those matrons as you call them are going to help me build a life."
Uh, they very clearly are matrons, Blair. They are more matronly than the girls my age who think they are being trendy and cutting off all their hair but getting a bad haircut and wind up looking like soccer moms. This argyle posse was a cute idea until you saw their leathery faces. These bitches are too old to make this story line work. For Christ's sake, these women are older than CeeCee and Iz. Furthermore, they look like men. Emma and I have concluded that if they were played by men, it would make the whole scene much more enjoyable and fun.

Also, Dorota's face was priceless when Blair booted the ladies out.

"I found some numbers. My dad was supposed to be looking for some artist. He was apparently visiting some orphanages."

Are you fucking kidding? You can't put together a bastard kid from these facts?
When Dan hears the truth he claims it's not possible and needs futher explanation from Chuck... Seriously, Dan? Don't you have ivy league ambitions? Learn to tie your shoelaces first, there, big guy.

Why are the strippers all fat and old? Chuck must be high of his fucking head to give these girls money. They are worse than the dancers in Winnipeg, and that's Winnipeg. New York should have some choice hottie strippers. Does the new venue come with the old hags?
Also, when Chuck was watching the dancers in slowmo? Totally missed an opportunity to flash back to youthful, slim Blair dancing cutely on Victrola contrasting with the fattie fat fat Grandmamas whoring it up.

Screw you guys, I think Ed Westwick is a good actor and a good drunk.

"You idiot! You don't surprise someone who's on the edge of a roof!"
Uh-oh. Does anyone else have the feeling that maybe Jack WANTS Chuckles dead?

"I'm Chuck Bass......who cares?"
"I do. I don't want you going anywhere. So, please, whatever you to do yourself. Please don't do that to me."
EPIC HAND GRAB. STUFF OF LEGENDS. WARM FUZZIES. etc etc

"He can't know what happened on New Years."
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT.
What happened on New Years?
They better have had sexual relations, or I will be REALLY disappointed.
I didn't think the writers would ever get back to the epic-ness of the Nate-Blair-Chuck triangle, but this, THIS is so twisted I think it just might.

This Week on Gossip Girl

Hello Rude Little Pigglets,
SOMETHING TO DISTRACT ME FROM MY ESSAY WRITING.
From now on, check this space every Monday for a look at this weeks Gossip Girl!
Points will be allotted for things that were realistic/totally amazingly awesome on the show, and subtracted for being inconsistent/totally fake/lameness. This is where we'll talk the good, the bad & Laurel.
Based on the form of the Daily Intels weekly review.
K. lets get ta goin' and take a look at Episode 2x05, The Serena Also Rises.


As real as a socialite being totally in love with herself.

• Blair didn't wear a headband to school? Is it because she feels 'dethroned' and is not wearing her 'crown'? Oh, SS & JS, you are soooo symbolic. Plus 2.


• "Where are the it girls? Kirsten Dunst? Please, her rehab stint didn't even make the radar." SO TRUE. Amazing. Plus 10.


• Bukowski blew a shot gun of this old guys head with a pistol? Jealoooous. Plus five.


• Blair would take a seating chart so seriously. Plus 1. Don't you ever learn, little J?


• "Blair...to what do we owe this honor?" Rufus totally would talk to Blair like they're the same age, and be totally terrified of her. Plus 3.


• Serena befriends a socialite and explains how it was at a charity event. In case, you know, we forgot about how Serena was making the effort to be a better person. She's not just a party girl, she parties for charity. Serena would. Plus 4.


• Socialites totally do jump around from BFF to BFF, looking for a new one to drain the youth from. Plus 5.


• Bex is still the Van Der Woodsen art buyer type thingy? Plus 1 for good continuity.


• "I want to experience something new, get out of my comfort zone..."
  "Are you gay?"
  Plus 50.
  Plus another 4, because Chuck totally would hang out with Dan just because Blair said he, too, was friendless, but at least was 'a human being'. True love. <3.


• Dan totally does take himself that seriously as a writer. Plus 3.


• Dan and Chucks as new BFFs? Spectacular. If one thing can save Dan as a character, it is Chuckles. Plus 3.


• Plus 4, because Dan totally would want to do only one shot.


• No matter how much Dan preaches about his problems with privilege, and basically ended it with Serena because she was rich, blahblahblah too deep to care about money....he totally loved his night out with Chuckleberry. Because it's better to party with money. A la Bass. Plus 8, because Dan's talk is cheap, and he would be singing a different tune if he were the one born with a silver spoon in his mouth.


• Charlie Trout? Plus 3o.


• Serena at first says she doesn't want to ditch Blair and their most beloved tradition, but is so easily convinced. If you really want to do Eleanor a favour, gf, why are you ditching her after party for MJ? Bitch. Plus 5 for another of Serena's too transparent attempts to 'do the right thing', even though there is a cold, cold heart underneath that badass union jack vest.


• Serena totally is the type of girl who would hang out with a few marginally famous girls and think Blair was privileged to hang along. Plus four. Plus another 2 for Blair's perfect reaction of sarcastic gratitude.


• Blair would move Serena's seat to the back. Plus 2. Furthermore, she would try to sabotage her mothers show and make it look like she's trying to harm Jenny, when really just needing to take Serena down a peg, and not think of the consequences and the big picture at all, all with the intent of later being able to be all like "No, no, it was Jenny I was trying to take down. Sorry you got in the way :) ." Been there. Plus 15.


• Chuck thinks he killed him mom? Awww. Catharsis for Chuck! Love that guy. Plus 9 for that making sense with his relationship with his dad and alcohol, and also finally accounting for the whereabouts of his mother.


• When Chuck storms out of the prison and there are two guys in the cell with Dan: "I hope they make a Humphrey sandwich." They will. Plus 2.


• Serena as a sick ego problem. She knows she's going to hurt Blair's feelings, and instead of taking the catwalk after being convinced otherwise, the talk that gets her to do it basically goes as follows:
  "Blah Blah Blah Serena, you're so hawt, Blair is jealous of you, you're too sparkly and pretty and shiny and glisten-y and rainbow-y and fariedust-y to hold back your star quality. You shine brighter then the sun, bitch! Don't let Blair stop you from being so flawlessly perfect and vibrant!"
  Plus 12, because an ego boost would get Serena out there. Plus another 5 for all the time she spent at the end of the catwalk taking pictures. Gurl loves herself.


• "To Jenny!" Plus 10 for the heart-warming friendship between Little J and Blair. I for real got shivers.


• When Blair comes to apologize, tears a'welling up in her eyes and puppy dog face on, Serena says "Get over it, Blair." Bitch would still be tripping on her catwalk high! "It's not my fault you're so insecure!" and my personal favourite line of Serena's: "I'm tired of holding myself back so I don't outshine you!" Serena would think that she's the hottest thing on earth, and that after she did something bitchy, the other girl was bad because she was jealous. Every one's just jealous of you. Because you're so perfect and shiny. Serena totally WOULD think all this. Particularly after two weeks with that self-obsessed socialite whore! Plus 20. Girls like just do think everyone is so jealous of them.

As fake as Jenny's case of mono

• Why are these minions so impressed by a Socialite? They're all really rich, with famous socialite parents, really nice clothes, really hard partiers, who's moves are documented by Gossip Girl. Serena gets one magazine picture with one girl two years older then them and they think it's the coolest thing in the world? Minus 5, because it would not be the first time any of them made it into a magazine. Minus another 15, for them just being so hysterical and it being so ridiculous, when the idea of the show is that they are socialites.


• Dan wore a plain black tee and looked kind of cute. Minus 2, because Dan always tries way harder than that.


• As if Chuck would order six shots between the two of them. And take some sort of prescription med. Chuck would be hitting the coke so hard it's ridiculous. Minus 8.


• A sex club behind a White Castle? How is that impressive? As if Chuck Bass would go to something like that. He would do no worse than going to a sex club behind a Starbucks. Duh. Minus 5.


• Making Dan walk home with no shoes? You could think of something better than that, Bass-tard. Minus 7.


• Is it really that much harder to believe a tenth grader getting an independent study then getting an internship at a House of High Fashion? Come on. Minus 20. Minus another 5 for about eight people working for Eleanor in total. Minus another 10 for Jenny being third in command. She's a fucking fifteen year old intern. Minus another 5 for Jenny calling her 'Eleanor'. She would not let you call her by her first name. Remember how Blair didn't let Jenny call her B? She learned that shit somewhere.


• Chuck says "It's not my fault your girlfriend looks like a high-class call girl!" Puh-leaze. That's practically a compliment. We all know Chuck would've said "Sorry you're ho looks like a filthy used up piece of trash!" and then crushed the guy with his wallet. Minus 4.


• As if Dan carries around an edited version of his short story. Yeah, OK. Minus 5.


• Half the clothes on the runway are garbage. Minus 6.


• As if Dan doesn't sell out Chuck for his art. What kind of starving artist is he? Minus 4.


• Speaking of which, Rufus would wear that shirt with the roses. Ick. Minus 4.


• It's lucky that society girls are wafer thin? It's not a coincidence, there, Eleanor. Doesn't your daughter have an eating disorder? Minus 6.


• Minus another 6 for Blair having only one amazing outfit, and it being her uniform.
  
• Gossip Girl had, like, no good lines. Minus 10.
  
• Nate and Vanessa weren't in this episode at all, and I didn't even notice. Minus 20 for those two being so painfully boring that I don't even notice if I see 2 of the main characters.

Well, that's basically it, folks. That was 208 for the realistic side & 141 for the un-realistic.
Good break from essay writing.

Back to work.