scratches, bruises and bites: September 2008

Hello Rude Little Pigglets,
SOMETHING TO DISTRACT ME FROM MY ESSAY WRITING.
From now on, check this space every Monday for a look at this weeks Gossip Girl!
Points will be allotted for things that were realistic/totally amazingly awesome on the show, and subtracted for being inconsistent/totally fake/lameness. This is where we'll talk the good, the bad & Laurel.
Based on the form of the Daily Intels weekly review.
K. lets get ta goin' and take a look at Episode 2x05, The Serena Also Rises.

As real as a socialite being totally in love with herself.

Blair didn't wear a headband to school? Is it because she feels 'dethroned' and is not wearing her 'crown'? Oh, SS & JS, you are soooo symbolic. Plus 2.

"Where are the it girls? Kirsten Dunst? Please, her rehab stint didn't even make the radar." SO TRUE. Amazing. Plus 10.

Bukowski blew a shot gun of this old guys head with a pistol? Jealoooous. Plus five.

Blair would take a seating chart so seriously. Plus 1. Don't you ever learn, little J?

"Blair...to what do we owe this honor?" Rufus totally would talk to Blair like they're the same age, and be totally terrified of her. Plus 3.

Serena befriends a socialite and explains how it was at a charity event. In case, you know, we forgot about how Serena was making the effort to be a better person. She's not just a party girl, she parties for charity. Serena would. Plus 4.

Socialites totally do jump around from BFF to BFF, looking for a new one to drain the youth from. Plus 5.

Bex is still the Van Der Woodsen art buyer type thingy? Plus 1 for good continuity.

"I want to experience something new, get out of my comfort zone..."
"Are you gay?"
Plus 50.
Plus another 4, because Chuck totally would hang out with Dan just because Blair said he, too, was friendless, but at least was 'a human being'. True love. <3.

Dan totally does take himself that seriously as a writer. Plus 3.

Dan and Chucks as new BFFs? Spectacular. If one thing can save Dan as a character, it is Chuckles. Plus 3.

Plus 4, because Dan totally would want to do only one shot.

No matter how much Dan preaches about his problems with privilege, and basically ended it with Serena because she was rich, blahblahblah too deep to care about money....he totally loved his night out with Chuckleberry. Because it's better to party with money. A la Bass. Plus 8, because Dan's talk is cheap, and he would be singing a different tune if he were the one born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Charlie Trout? Plus 3o.

Serena at first says she doesn't want to ditch Blair and their most beloved tradition, but is so easily convinced. If you really want to do Eleanor a favour, gf, why are you ditching her after party for MJ? Bitch. Plus 5 for another of Serena's too transparent attempts to 'do the right thing', even though there is a cold, cold heart underneath that badass union jack vest.

Serena totally is the type of girl who would hang out with a few marginally famous girls and think Blair was privileged to hang along. Plus four. Plus another 2 for Blair's perfect reaction of sarcastic gratitude.

Blair would move Serena's seat to the back. Plus 2. Furthermore, she would try to sabotage her mothers show and make it look like she's trying to harm Jenny, when really just needing to take Serena down a peg, and not think of the consequences and the big picture at all, all with the intent of later being able to be all like "No, no, it was Jenny I was trying to take down. Sorry you got in the way :) ." Been there. Plus 15.

Chuck thinks he killed him mom? Awww. Catharsis for Chuck! Love that guy. Plus 9 for that making sense with his relationship with his dad and alcohol, and also finally accounting for the whereabouts of his mother.

When Chuck storms out of the prison and there are two guys in the cell with Dan: "I hope they make a Humphrey sandwich." They will. Plus 2.

Serena as a sick ego problem. She knows she's going to hurt Blair's feelings, and instead of taking the catwalk after being convinced otherwise, the talk that gets her to do it basically goes as follows:
"Blah Blah Blah Serena, you're so hawt, Blair is jealous of you, you're too sparkly and pretty and shiny and glisten-y and rainbow-y and fariedust-y to hold back your star quality. You shine brighter then the sun, bitch! Don't let Blair stop you from being so flawlessly perfect and vibrant!"
Plus 12, because an ego boost would get Serena out there. Plus another 5 for all the time she spent at the end of the catwalk taking pictures. Gurl loves herself.

"To Jenny!" Plus 10 for the heart-warming friendship between Little J and Blair. I for real got shivers.

When Blair comes to apologize, tears a'welling up in her eyes and puppy dog face on, Serena says "Get over it, Blair." Bitch would still be tripping on her catwalk high! "It's not my fault you're so insecure!" and my personal favourite line of Serena's: "I'm tired of holding myself back so I don't outshine you!" Serena would think that she's the hottest thing on earth, and that after she did something bitchy, the other girl was bad because she was jealous. Every one's just jealous of you. Because you're so perfect and shiny. Serena totally WOULD think all this. Particularly after two weeks with that self-obsessed socialite whore! Plus 20. Girls like just do think everyone is so jealous of them.

As fake as Jenny's case of mono

Why are these minions so impressed by a Socialite? They're all really rich, with famous socialite parents, really nice clothes, really hard partiers, who's moves are documented by Gossip Girl. Serena gets one magazine picture with one girl two years older then them and they think it's the coolest thing in the world? Minus 5, because it would not be the first time any of them made it into a magazine. Minus another 15, for them just being so hysterical and it being so ridiculous, when the idea of the show is that they are socialites.

Dan wore a plain black tee and looked kind of cute. Minus 2, because Dan always tries way harder than that.

As if Chuck would order six shots between the two of them. And take some sort of prescription med. Chuck would be hitting the coke so hard it's ridiculous. Minus 8.

A sex club behind a White Castle? How is that impressive? As if Chuck Bass would go to something like that. He would do no worse than going to a sex club behind a Starbucks. Duh. Minus 5.

Making Dan walk home with no shoes? You could think of something better than that, Bass-tard. Minus 7.

Is it really that much harder to believe a tenth grader getting an independent study then getting an internship at a House of High Fashion? Come on. Minus 20. Minus another 5 for about eight people working for Eleanor in total. Minus another 10 for Jenny being third in command. She's a fucking fifteen year old intern. Minus another 5 for Jenny calling her 'Eleanor'. She would not let you call her by her first name. Remember how Blair didn't let Jenny call her B? She learned that shit somewhere.

Chuck says "It's not my fault your girlfriend looks like a high-class call girl!" Puh-leaze. That's practically a compliment. We all know Chuck would've said "Sorry you're ho looks like a filthy used up piece of trash!" and then crushed the guy with his wallet. Minus 4.

As if Dan carries around an edited version of his short story. Yeah, OK. Minus 5.

Half the clothes on the runway are garbage. Minus 6.

As if Dan doesn't sell out Chuck for his art. What kind of starving artist is he? Minus 4.

Speaking of which, Rufus would wear that shirt with the roses. Ick. Minus 4.

It's lucky that society girls are wafer thin? It's not a coincidence, there, Eleanor. Doesn't your daughter have an eating disorder? Minus 6.

Minus another 6 for Blair having only one amazing outfit, and it being her uniform.
Gossip Girl had, like, no good lines. Minus 10.
Nate and Vanessa weren't in this episode at all, and I didn't even notice. Minus 20 for those two being so painfully boring that I don't even notice if I see 2 of the main characters.